Every parent goes through it at some point. The big emotions, screaming, crying, resisting, talking back–maybe even hitting, kicking, or biting. Our little humans are just learning how to feel these big emotions, and like all the many new things they are encountering, they don’t know what these feelings are or how to respond to them! No wonder they react with such animated responses–we would too if we were just now discovering new emotions!
Even so, it is easy to begin to feel discouraged and helpless in the face of the common two-year-old tantrum. So how do we teach our kiddos how to respond to their big emotions? Below, we will go into a couple of ways to teach emotion regulation to our kids, inside and outside of the moments when they are overwhelmed. This won’t get rid of the behaviors, but it can help the kiddo move through the emotions and behaviors more quickly and effectively, and over time can help them learn how to respond to their emotions in healthy ways. This was initially intended to be an interactive worksheet, so feel free to engage with the material to get the full effect!
Note: It is normal if this feels overwhelming at first. No parent is perfect, and it is okay if you don’t hit all these notes every time! Just keep trying and doing your best. You’re doing a great job just by showing up and continuing to try!
Modeling Emotion Regulation
Learn by watching – Kids learn by watching their caregivers. They know something is dangerous because they sense their parent’s fear. From the time they are infants, they learn how to eat, walk, talk, and interact with the world based on how their caregivers interact. So often, we try to teach kids through explanations and lectures, but the most natural way they learn is through observation.
Question: What are things you have noticed your kid doing that they learned just by watching you?
Emotion Dysregulation – When a child feels in danger or has intense emotional distress, the thinking and learning part of the brain goes off line (this happens for adults too, but it’s especially evident with kids). This means that learning through explanation and lecture is especially unhelpful. This is why kids will sometimes learn words or skills when they are feeling calm, but struggle to remember those words or skills in the moment when they are feeling emotionally dysregulated.
Question: Can you think of a time that someone expected you (the caregiver) to learn/accomplish something while you were feeling especially emotional? How did that feel for you? Were you able to learn/accomplish what they wanted?
Modeling – If we want to teach our kids how to understand and respond to their emotions, we need to let them see us recognizing and responding to our emotions so that they can learn through observing. This is called Modeling. How does it work?
We can model emotional intelligence two ways: (1) we can model recognizing and responding to our own emotions, and (2) we can model recognizing and responding to our kid’s emotions. When kids see us recognize emotions in ourselves and in them, and when they see us respond to those emotions in healthy and safe ways, they learn that emotions are safe and they are able to make learning connections.
Important: Kids need to know that they can trust their parents to have emotions and still keep themselves and the kid safe. This is why it is important to model not just recognizing the emotion, but responding to the emotion in a healthy and safe way.
Modeling Emotional Regulation in Ourselves:
Step 1: Notice the emotion in yourself and what potentially caused it. Ex: if a car cuts you off on the freeway, you may notice that you felt fear and/or anger in response to the car.
Step 2: Narrate yourself noticing the feeling and the event that potentially caused it. Ex: “That car drove by me really quickly-I am feeling scared.”
Step 3: Voice how you are responding to the feeling with an effective coping skill. Consider adding self-validation as part of your coping skills. Ex: “It’s okay for me to feel this fear. I am going to count down so that I can sooth this feeling of fear. 5…4…3…2…1… I feel better now”.
Practice:
What would be a situation where it may be helpful to model recognizing your own emotions?
Example: I’m on the phone with my landlord because I recently found out about an unexpected fee.
Step 1: Notice the emotion in yourself and what potentially caused it.
I notice that I am feeling stressed and upset. I put down the phone for a moment to regulate my emotions.
Step 2:Narrate yourself noticing the feeling and the event that potentially caused it. (Hint, make sure that how you narrate the cause of the feeling is appropriate to your child’s age).
I say, “This conversation is not going how I wanted it to go. I am feeling stressed and upset”.
Step 3: Voice how you are responding to the feeling with an effective coping skill.
I say, “It’s okay for me to feel this way. I can take three deep breaths. 1…2…3… Okay, I feel better. Now I feel like I can talk to them again”.
Your Turn:
What would be a situation where it may be helpful to model recognizing your own emotions?
___________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 1: Notice the emotion in yourself and what potentially caused it.
___________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Narrate yourself noticing the feeling and the event that potentially caused it. (Hint, make sure how you narrate the cause of the feeling is appropriate to your child’s age).
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Voice how you are responding to the feeling with an effective coping skill.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Modeling by Recognizing Your Kid’s Emotions:
First, a note on validation: People (and especially kids) tend to escalate their behaviors when we feel unheard or misunderstood. As an example, imagine for a moment that your car is not starting, so you have a mechanic come look at it. Imagine that they come over, and without even looking at the car they tell you that all you need to do is change one specific part. Or even worse, imagine that they tell you the car is fine without taking any time to examine it. How likely are you to follow their advice, or trust that they know what you are talking about? How much will you feel like they actually understand the issue or how to help if they did not take time to recognize or understand the issue? That is how our kids feel when we don’t recognize or validate their emotions. If they don’t feel like we understand the problem or believe why it’s an issue, they aren’t likely to trust us and may escalate their behavior so they can feel like we understand their pain.
Question: What is a moment you can recall where you felt misunderstood or not listened to by someone? How did you feel? How did you respond?
It is important for kids to know that they are allowed to have emotions, and it is important that we recognize and validate those emotions. That is not the same thing as validating their actions or neglecting to set a boundary. For that reason, we will go over specifically how to model recognizing your kid’s emotions while setting a boundary.
Step 1: Notice your child’s behavior and pay attention to any cues of what they are feeling or why they may be feeling it.
Step 2: State what your child may be feeling and why they may be feeling it.
Step 3: Validate that it is okay for them to feel that way.
Step 4: Set the boundary firmly but gently.
Step 5: Co-regulate with your child by doing a coping skill yourself. Do not feel the need to make the kid join you. They often will naturally join you.
Practice:
What would be a situation where this may be helpful?
Example: My kid is screaming and trying to push someone off of the swing. It seems like he wants a turn on the swing.
(Note: In this situation I would want to make sure everyone is safe before or as I talk through things with my kid. I may do this by physically moving my kid away from the situation or by reminding him to have a “safe body” if that is something he can comply with.)
Step 1: Notice your child’s behavior and pay attention to any cues of what they are feeling or why they may be feeling it.
I notice that my kid is trying to push someone off the swing, and I notice that he seems frustrated that he can’t be on the swing right now.
Step 2: State what the kid may be feeling and why they may be feeling it.
I talk with my kid. “I think you’re feeling upset that you can’t be on the swing right now.”
Step 3: Validate that it is okay for them to feel that way.
“I know it’s hard to wait your turn. It’s okay to feel upset”
Step 4: Set the boundary firmly but gently.
“It’s not okay to hurt people because you’re feeling upset. I am going to help you have a safe body by bringing you away from your friend. I will stay with you until you are able to have a safe body on your own”.
Step 5: Co-regulate with your kid by doing a coping skill yourself. Do not feel the need to make the kid join you. They often will naturally join you.
“What if we take deep breaths to help ourselves feel better? I am going to start taking deep breaths. 1…2…3…”. I continue until my kid starts to calm down.
Your turn:
Step 1: Notice your child’s behavior and pay attention to any cues of what they are feeling or why they may be feeling it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: State what the kid may be feeling and why they may be feeling it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Validate that it is okay for them to feel that way.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 4: Set the boundary firmly but gently.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 5: Co-regulate with your kid by doing a coping skill yourself. Do not feel the need to make the kid join you. They often will naturally join you.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
These skills take practice! Give them a shot, and let us know how they work in the comments below.
If you would like to learn more parenting strategies that use compassion and science-based tools to help shape your kiddo’s behavior and build your relationship with them, consider joining our compassionate behavioral parenting group below! Also consider scheduling with a therapist today, either for you or for your child!
