Researchers describe emotions as having three primary functions:
- emotions communicate messages to ourselves related to our environment
- emotions elicit non-verbal cues which alert others of how to interact with us
- emotions motivate us to act
It is common for people to avoid or suppress emotions that are painful or unwanted. Some people get lost in their emotions and feel like they have not control over their actions when they experience certain feelings. I teach my clients to think of emotions not as good or bad but rather as helpful vs. harmful depending on what we do with them.
It is easy to think of guilt, anger, sadness, etc. as “bad” emotions, because for many of us they are unwanted and can get tied up in unhealthy patterns of living. Even the “good” emotions like love and excitement can be harmful depending on our specific context and the values that we want to live by.
A non-judgmental and curious stance toward emotions can help us open up to our experience in a way that will allow us to learn from our emotions (even the unwanted ones) while making choices toward what matters most to us.
See the table below for a description of emotions, their possible action urges, and how to tell if acting on these urges will be helpful to us or not in a given circumstance.
| Emotion | Action Urges | Value-Driven (when it may be helpful) | Shadow (when it may be unhelpful) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Anger | Stand firm, protest, advocate, yell, fight | Acting when something is unfair or when a valued goal is blocked; standing against oppression/ abuse; protecting people and values we love | Hurting others that aren’t dangerous to us; feeling out of control; saying or doing things we regret |
| Guilt | Apologize, take accountability, make amends, repay, repair, fix | Apologizing when we act against our values; making amends if we are complicit or ignore a wrong and could have done something more to address it | Guilt becoming toxic shame or unnecessary guilt if we avoid it or over-identify with it |
| Powerlessness | Give up, seek another source of power | Surrendering an approach that’s not working and trying something radically different; trusting a higher power/ purpose; seeking more knowledge in an area that will empower us | Giving up on what is meaningful or valuable; turning away from the potential for a higher power or new purpose |
| Sadness | Be alone, cry, close off, mourn, grieve | Expressing/ feeling sadness when we’ve lost someone or something meaningful to us; connecting with others who may also be mourning | Developing a self-destructive orbit of sadness that we cannot get out of. |
| Love | To be close to, to hug, to connect with, to adore | Loving in a mutually respectful and trustworthy relationship | Loving someone when it is driven by insecurity and inability to love the self. |
Read Part 2 to apply these ideas to the work of becoming an anti-racist.
