Our brains are hardwired to notice and fix problems. They have evolved to evaluate situations based on their problematic (or negative) aspects more than for their positive ones. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “negativity bias.” This can be helpful in many settings where clear and precise problem-solving is essential, but it can also cause unwanted problems when it comes to interpersonal relationships. 

Said plainly, we tend to notice and comment on things that we perceive as wrong more than we comment and notice things that are going well. Think of a sporting event that includes a referee. The referee is typically not acknowledged or even noticed if they are doing a great job. If, however, they are perceived as making a mistake, they become a target for anger and criticism. 

Unfortunately, this happens between us and our loved ones as well. We might think of it as nagging, complaining, criticizing, or more benevolently, giving advice or suggestions. Of course, sometimes “problems” do need to be addressed. More often, however, criticising someone we love leads to more frustration, more resentment, and less connection. 

Sometimes paying attention to unwanted behavior through criticism will inadvertently reinforce (and increase) other unwanted behaviors or inadvertently punish (or decrease) other wanted behaviors. For example: criticizing a child for not finishing his homework faster may inadvertently reinforce behaviors of procrastination and feelings of frustration, failure, or incompetence (rather than reinforcing focus). The same criticism may also inadvertently punish feelings of autonomy and patience with themselves when it comes to learning and performing tasks. For children who are more independent, stubborn, or oppositional, criticism may lead to a pattern of power struggles that illustrate the cliche, “negative attention is better than no attention.” 

A study published in the 2016 Journal of Pediatric Healthcare found that parents tend to criticize their children 3 times more than they praise their children. Also interesting to note is that when interviewed, the parents in the study overestimated the amount of praise they gave to their children and underestimated the amount of criticism they voiced toward their children (Swenson et al., 2016). 

Behavioral science tells us that reinforcing wanted behavior promotes wanted change more than punishing unwanted behavior. This means that as parents that want to help our children to grow and develop, we are up against our own intrinsic negativity bias. The good news is that we can learn to stop before we criticize and notice that this urge to criticize comes from a place of love and care. We want our kids to develop in healthy ways. We can use our well intentioned desire for our children’s well-being along with our knowledge of behavioral science principles to turn our minds to focus on what the child is doing well. Behavioral psychologists sometimes use the phrase, “you amplify what you attend to.” Similarly, “catch them doing good” could be the mantra or perhaps #seethegood (as was used in a social media campaign for a religious institution recently). 

This doesn’t mean we need to suppress or stigmatize negative emotions or problems that need to be addressed. If a toddler runs into the street, we don’t ignore the behavior because we don’t want to reinforce it with unwanted attention. We run to get them out of the street. But most parenting interactions don’t require that level of intervention. 

Part of this process of paying less attention to perceived problems and paying more attention to wanted behavior requires a level of “trust” in the ability of your child to learn and grow and become the unique and beautiful person they are becoming. 

Parenting is hard. We all will mess up. Parenting tips and techniques can get people down and inadvertently reinforce feelings of inadequacy. The intent of these pointers is to empower you. You will mess up and that’s okay. Being perfect is not a gift that your children need—it would not be helpful for them if you were perfect. You are what they need, and part of what makes you you is the capacity to learn new information and apply it with curiosity, love, and courage.

Stephanie Swenson, BSN, RN, Grace W. K. Ho, PhD, RN, Chakra Budhathoki, PhD, Harolyn M.E. Belcher, MD, MHS, Sharon Tucker, PhD, RN, FAAN, Kellie Miller, and Deborah Gross, DNSc, RN, FAAN. (2016). Parents’ use of praise and criticism in a sample of young children seeking mental health services. Journal of Pediatric Healthcare, 30(1), 49-56. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4685017/