Click here for parts 1 or 2 in this 3 part series
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex and frequently misunderstood human experience that deeply impacts not only the individual with the diagnosis, but many of their loved ones as well. Learning how to effectively interact with someone with BPD can often feel like trying to communicate in the middle of a burning building–you’re both lost and confused, communication sometimes seems disconnected, and neither of you knows where a safe place to step may be.
In part 1 of this series, we discussed where BPD comes from and gave an analogy of how it often feels to have BPD. In part 2, we discussed specific strategies for helping your loved one feel supported, seen, and validated. In this final part, we are going to talk about how to effectively communicate boundaries and limits with your loved one while maintaining the relationship.
Why is this so difficult?
Back to the analogy of the burning building, discussions about boundaries and limits can often be confusing and painful for individuals who have been stuck in the biosocial cycle for a long time (see part 1 to learn about the biosocial). Because of the intense emotions that the person with BPD experiences, and the intense invalidation they have experienced for so long, boundaries and limits can often feel like an additional invalidation. On the other hand, loved ones of the individual with BPD often feel blindsided by unseen landmines which cause pain to both the individual with BPD and the individual who may be trying to interact with them. This may lead to feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and sometimes a desire to give in.
Compassion for both your loved one and for you are important here, and it is also important to remember that validating and empathizing with your loved one does not mean foregoing your own limits. If something they are doing pushes you past the point where you can effectively engage in the relationship, it is not helpful for you nor them to force yourself to continue engaging in that pattern! You cannot pour from an empty cup, and giving more than you can often leads to contempt and stuck relationship patterns. This is why today we are going to focus on specific ways we can give feedback or express boundaries/requests.
Boundaries/limits
First, a bit about boundaries and limits. I typically use the word “limit” because I feel it more accurately describes what is happening here, though boundary is the more recognized term. The reason I feel limit is a more accurate expression though, is that this is not about controlling the other person’s behavior, but rather is about explaining what you can and cannot do while maintaining your goals. One example I use with my clients is someone who struggles with alcohol and asks their friends to stop drinking alcohol. The person trying to be sober cannot control their friend’s behaviors, but they can control if they will be somewhere where alcohol is being openly consumed. The person staying sober can request that their friends not drink–they can even mandate that if their friends stay in their house then they have to not drink, or they can say that the only way that they will stay at the gathering will be if people are not drinking. But these are not done in the spirit of controlling others, but rather in the spirit of saying “I am choosing to not be around alcohol, and I will do what I have to in order to maintain that goal”. If we do stick with the “boundary” term, remember that the boundary is around you and not around them. You can make requests of them, of course, but at the end of the day you only have control over you, and the fence of safety that you build around yourself.
Limits can also fluctuate. It is okay if one day it is within your limits to do something/accept something, but the next day that is too much for you.
Step-by-step: How to make an assertive request or assertively say no
Now that we have some clarity on what boundaries are and why they are difficult, let’s talk about an effective way of setting boundaries/making requests/ saying no. I’m going to teach you a skill we teach in our DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy groups). It can best be remembered with the acronym DEARMAN:
D – Describe
Describe in nonjudgmental terms what the situation is. Judgment does not just mean pejorative judgments-it means anything not based in fact. When we describe the situation, we do not want to assume their intentions, their thoughts, or their feelings. This is partially because we do not know what was going on for them exactly, and partially so we can have a gentler start to the conversation.
For example, if someone got angry at me because they thought I was ignoring them, instead of saying “You became such a jerk and just made all this stuff about me ignoring you”, I could say something like, “This morning, you raised your voice when telling me you felt ignored. Before that I had not realized you felt that way and in that moment it seemed to me that you were blaming me”.
E – Express
This is where we get to express our emotion and why it was difficult for us. This is a chance for us to show why it matters and how their actions affect us. Remember that our emotions are our own, so be cautious not to blame them for your emotion, but rather express to them that you are having the emotion.
In the previous example, and ineffective way of going about this would be saying “you just make me so mad!”, instead, you may consider saying “I felt confused and frustrated when you did that.”
*Note: This could be an excellent place to also add some of the validation skills from part 2. For example, “I could tell you were also feeling pretty upset, and I can understand this must be a frustrating situation for you”.
A – Assert
Here is where you make your request. Be straightforward, direct, and specific. You don’t have to apologize, soften, or fragilize. Simply make the request or say “no” if you’re declining a request. Both making requests and declining requests can be forms of expressing limits/boundaries.
An example in the above situation may be “in the future, please let me know sooner if you feel ignored, and when you do let me know, please don’t raise your voice at me or assume you know what my intentions were”.
R – Reinforce
This is a fancy way of saying, be willing to give some encouragement or incentive for them when making a request. You may tell them that if they offer you a ride you can pay them extra for gas money. It can also be as simple as “I’ll be really happy if…” This can also be a space where you express your limit. Remember, this is not to control their behavior, but it is a way of you pointing out what kind of behavior you can tolerate and why it may be in their best interest to engage in that type of behavior.
For example: “I think if we figure out a way to talk without raising our voices, we’ll be a lot more effective in helping us both feel heard and understood. I also need you to know that I am not okay being yelled at, so if this happens again, I will have to remove myself from the situation until we can talk about it a different way”.
M – Mindful
Stay mindful of your goal throughout the interaction. It’s natural for people (everyone-not just people with BPD) to counter-attack, redirect, or otherwise try to change the subject. Don’t get sucked into an argument–just state what your request/limit is, and keep bringing it back to that. You may feel like a broken record, and that’s okay.
For example: “I hear that you felt ignored in that moment, and we can definitely talk about that in a bit. Before we change the subject though, I’d like to know if you agree with my request?”
A – Appear confident
You don’t need to apologize or feel uncertain when making a request. It’s just a request, and they can say no. If it’s a boundary, then you are free to shift your actions accordingly, but there is nothing wrong with making the request.
N – Negotiate
Be willing to give some in order to get some. Sometimes limits may be more narrow or more broad, and that is entirely up to you and your own self-knowledge. If it is a hard line for you, then perhaps what you are “giving” is some encouragement, or well-wishes if they choose not to observe the boundaries and you have to make whatever choices are needed to protect yourself. If it is a more broad limit, request, or decline, then offer some space where you can be flexible. Or ask them if they have another direction they’d like to go.
For example: “Maybe we can come up with some way for you to tell me you’re feeling ignored so that we can work on that before it becomes so painful? Or maybe next time you’re feeling you want to raise your voice, we can schedule a time to talk about it so that we’ve both been able to calm down?” Alternatively “What would help you feel like we can talk about this without you feeling the need to raise your voice?”
Note: If you’re having a hard time knowing how firmly to make a request or say no, consider doing something called the “dime game”, which is a series of questions that help us guage how significant something may be to us: http://dfdx.us/dbt-dime-game/
Closing
If you’ve stuck around for these three blog-posts, thank you! Relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, etc) are difficult! Especially when there are intense emotions, unseen fears/thoughts/etc., and a history of difficult conflicts. Regardless of anything else, I hope you can be kind, patient, and compassionate to yourself and to your loved one. You will both make mistakes, and there will be a lot of situations where it feels there is no “right” reaction. Know that it is okay to be human. It is okay to not know, and it is okay to mess up. It is also okay to prioritize yourself while still holding compassion for the other person. You can express limits, take distance, and take care of yourself even while loving and empathizing with your loved one.
Good luck! And I wish for you hope and clarity in your journey.
If you feel you or your loved one could benefit from specialized therapy in working with BPD, give us a call for a free 15 minute consultation to see if one of our therapists is a good fit for you: 1-801-687-9509
