And, here we are again. That thing I promised I would never do again… yeah… that goal is out the window. And here I am sitting with the guilt and frustration that feels like I will never get past this! If it feels like you’ve been there before, congratulations! Welcome to the team of people just trying to figure out this whole life thing (aka everyone).
So why is it that we all often find ourselves doing things that we have sworn we wouldn’t do? Below, I will dive into three specific reasons that humans do things, especially things we’re hoping to avoid. With this understanding, we are able to hold compassion for ourselves and our mistakes, while developing tools to take control of our actions!
Habit
“Okay, okay”, you might be thinking “she’s here promising the secret to stopping behaviors and the first thing she says is ‘habit’? I could have told you that!”. Hang with me for a moment though. Habits are formed from conditioning. Remember back to that high school lesson on Pavlov’s dogs? We all function by connecting different triggers in our lives to things we should do. The moment we hear our phone buzz, we instinctively reach for it to respond to a text. You come home from work and immediately feel the urge to have your favorite snack while reading the news, since it’s what you’ve done every day for the past year. If you’re like me, you see a cat, and you immediately feel the urge to go snuggle the cat due to the habit of wanting the increased happiness in your life.
These habits go both ways though. Next time you do something you regret, consider if there was something around you that triggered the urge to do it out of habit. It could be a time of day, a specific item, a routine, a person, a place, or really anything! Most people hear this and think the best way to change a habit is to get rid of the trigger. This is partially true, and in some situations is effective. If you have the option to make the trigger less powerful by avoiding or minimizing it, that may suppress the urge for a time, but the next time you do come into contact with the trigger, the urge will likely be there as powerful as ever. Another option is to desensitize the trigger. That means practicing coming into contact with the trigger without doing the action. Try asking a friend to text you throughout the day so you can practice ignoring your phone buzzing. Or intentionally plan an alternative activity for your home-from-work-routine. Do the painstaking task of visiting a friend’s house without petting their adorable cat… though I’m not sure that last one would be worth it. You can retrain your brain to not associate the trigger with the urge by repeatedly uncoupling the two from each other.
Reinforcements/rewards
It’s no secret that people want to do things that make them feel better or get them something they want. Sometimes though, the rewarding effect of what we are trying to avoid is not immediately obvious. It may take some reflection to consider why an action, thought, or feeling is helping you, even if it is only a short-term gain. Once you guess at what the reward may be, there are a few ways to respond to it.
First, you can try to make an action less enjoyable. If you are avoiding binge-watching netflix, make a rule that in order to watch netflix you have to sit on a hard, uncomfortable chair. If you are trying to avoid spending money online, delete your card information from your browser memory and keep your physical card somewhere you have to walk to get to.
The second thing you can do is find an alternative way to get the same benefit. If screaming and crying helps you to communicate to people that you are in pain, consider learning some assertiveness or communication skills to be able to let people know when you’re hurting. If ice cream offers you a bit of indulgence after a long-day at work, consider balancing a smaller portion of ice cream with a favorite fruit so you feel indulgent while aiming for your goals of balanced eating.
Lack of Alternative Options
A lack of alternative options often comes from a skill deficit or a lack of creating additional options for ourselves. This does not mean that we are unmotivated or just haven’t worked hard enough. It simply means that we are a work in progress. We cannot be expected to know things we haven’t been offered the chance to learn.
Imagine that you are trying to avoid driving to save on gas, but you have not yet learned how to navigate the local bus system. This will greatly limit your options when you do have to get from point A to point B, and until you learn about the bus system, you will need to keep driving anywhere that is too far to walk or bike. Similarly, if unbalanced/excessive exercising is the only way you know how to cope with difficult emotions, it would be completely understandable that you would continue going there even when trying to cut back. If you do not know where to start to develop new skills or increase your options, that may be a good sign it is time to reach out to others for support. Therapy, support blogs like this one, or quality books may have some good ideas for ways to improve your skill set.
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Through all of this, practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you are not alone in trying to break damaging habits. Similarly focus on the direction you would like to go rather than on what you wish you had done before. This will help you avoid shame and instead build excitement for the goal you would really like to achieve!
If this sounds like you and you would like support, schedule a free 15 minute consultation with a therapist today! 801-687-9509
