Many problematic patterns in living are related to either under-regulating or over-regulating emotions. 

The Over-Regulator

• May appear calm and collected most of the time
• Rarely expresses strong emotions, whether sad, excited, anxious, or anything else
• May be able to talk about something distressing with complete calm and lack of emotion
• May be “emotion phobic”
• May have learned from their environment (social pressures) to inhibit grieving
• May lack skills to identify and work with emotions

When friends or family members express concern, the over-regulator’s response may be that “nothing’s wrong,” or “I’m fine.”

This kind of pattern over time can cause over-regulators to feel disconnected from others and from purpose in life.

The over-regulator may also experience unexplained body pain (back pain, inflammation, digestive issues). When emotions are ignored or suppressed, they will find a way to manifest—they need an outlet. Over-regulators also may experience “eruptions,” when the emotions find an opportunity to break through.

This can be in anger outbursts, panic attacks, overwhelm, burnout, coping through addictive patterns, or intense depressive episodes. 

The Under-Regulator

• May be labeled as “emotional” or “unstable”
• May feel overwhelmed by situations that others seem to handle with ease
• May judge themselves for feeling unequipped to deal with life’s stressors
• May “burn out” loved ones or significant others
• May see themselves as a burden on others

Patterns of under-regulation over time may lead to people feeling depressed, as they feel unable to cope with their life and relationships. It may also lead to anxiety, as under-regulators may fear what difficulties life will bring next.

Under-regulators, like over-regulators, often find ways to regulate their emotions that work in the short term but cause larger problems down the road.

These could include: patterns of avoidance, addictive/compulsive behaviors, and other such maladaptive strategies.  

A Strengths Perspective

Of course, most people are not either under-regulated or over-regulated, but rather a mixture of both. Also, there are kernels of wisdom that lie within each way of being.

The over-regulator has the ability to be steady even in the worst storms. Like an anchor, they can be a source of strength to those around them. However, even the strongest trees need to be able to bend with the wind. Not paying attention to emotions, over-regulators will lose opportunities for connection and deeper purpose. 

The strength of the under-regulator is their ability to feel emotions and their sensitivity. Although painful, wearing your heart on your sleeve can be a beautiful, vulnerable default. Under-regulators can often connect quickly to others and frequently have the gift of empathy.

However, without honoring boundaries of self and others, and when lacking necessary tools to deal with intense emotions, life can just be overwhelming. 

Self-Evaluation

As you read this article, you likely saw yourself in different descriptions. Try to look at yourself with curiosity and without judgment. You can ask yourself some additional questions:

• Do I struggle with making decisions, because I don’t know what I want? (Our emotions tune us in to what we value. Over-regulators may lack this attunement.)
• Do I struggle with making decisions, because I’m worried about others’ reactions? (Under-regulators may be overly sensitive to how others perceive them.)
• How do I feel when someone criticizes me?
• How do I respond when someone criticizes me?
• Do I connect quickly and deeply with others?
• Does people say I’m distant or emotionally unavailable?
• When was the last time I felt sad? 
• What do I do when I have the urge to cry?

These are just some things to consider. This is not official diagnosis territory, but rather one way of thinking about emotions. Hopefully, you’ve been able to see which side of the over or under-regulated spectrum is your default.

You could take this a step further by thinking about what impact this default has had on your relationships, your work, your mental health, etc.

It’s important to be curious and nonjudgmental when self-evaluating. The more clearly we can see ourselves, the more power we have to intentionally create a values-based life. Connecting to our emotions in a balanced way is the anchor that will keep us safe in any storm.