Click here for part 1 in this 3 part series

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex and frequently misunderstood human experience that deeply impacts not only the individual with the diagnosis, but many of their loved ones as well. Learning how to effectively interact with someone with BPD can often feel like trying to communicate in the middle of a burning building–you’re both lost and confused, communication sometimes seems disconnected, and neither of you knows where a safe place to step may be. 

Last week, we talked about where BPD comes from. We talked about what it may feel like to struggle with BPD, and how to hold empathy for peoples’ experiences. 

This week we want to talk about what we can do to help support our loved ones. What are some specific phrases or skills that we can use to be supportive to them? Next week, we will talk about what we can do to take care of ourselves within these interactions and honor our own limits and boundaries.

Validation

Think back to the biosocial that we learned about last week–we learned that an invalidating environment (when reacting to someone’s inborn emotional sensitivities) can be detrimental for someone’s mental and emotional health. Consider that feeling of what it must be like to be the tulip growing up in a rose garden, or the puzzle piece that just does not fit. Frequently, what someone with BPD craves most is validation. Validation that we see them fully. Validation that we see their efforts, their pain, and their perspective. Validation that we understand the parts of their story that make sense. When we offer validation, we lift some of the weight off their shoulders. 

We also tell them that they do not need to scream for their needs to be heard. In the analogy of someone trying to build a bookshelf with only a needle and thread, there came a point where the individual felt the only way they could have their struggle taken seriously was if they got louder with their emotions. This can be one of the most difficult times in an interaction with someone with BPD, because from the outside it can feel scary or even manipulative, but for the inside, the person with BPD is suffering from an intense desire to be seen, heard, and valued, and none of their other attempts have worked. Either that, or they have learned over several years to not hold out hope that other attempts would work. We want to offer validation to our loved ones before they get to that point, so that they can relax and know that they will be seen without needing to scream. We also want to offer validation regardless of if they seem to be struggling or not, because the major secret of BPD, is that it often feels like constant struggle, even if they seem to be doing okay from the outside.

Validation means searching for what about the other person’s experiences, words, emotions, actions, or existence makes sense or holds value. This is not to say that we need to agree with something we don’t agree with, or that we need to go against our own beliefs. It does mean that in our interactions, we lead with the assumption that something in the other person’s actions, thoughts, etc., makes sense. It means that we lead with the assumption that the person in front of us is a person, just like us, who is trying the best with what they have, and who has reasons for what they are doing, thinking, feeling, etc. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, suggests that there are 6 “levels” or ways of validating another person.

1. Pay attention

Before anything else, you need to be with the other person. They need to feel that you are present with and attentive to their experiences. This shows you that you see them as worth paying attention to, and it helps you to fully connect with and understand their experiences.

2. Reflect back

Repeat back what you heard to show that you are following. This can also be an opportunity to make sure that you are indeed understanding what is being said and shows that you are wanting to truly hear their experience. Be careful here to not have judgment in your tone or expression. Example: “You’re feeling angry because you thought I intentionally avoided you last week, am I understanding that right?”

3. “Read Minds”

Read between the lines a bit. Try to understand what is not being said and show that you are paying attention. To understand why this is powerful, think about a time when someone noticed something in your body language or tone of voice and showed you that they understood where you were coming from. How powerful was that? This is what we want to offer them. We are showing that we do notice them and their experiences. Be open to correction as you may not get it right every time. Example: When a friend describes something from their day in an anxious tone but states that it was a fine day–”It sounds like it was pretty overwhelming to deal with that!”

4. Understand

Find what about the other person’s reaction makes sense given their history, what’s important to them, current stressors (i.e. causes), etc. This does not mean approving of the person’s reaction, but simply choosing to discover and reflect back certain causes which can help us empathize with or understand where their reaction comes from. Example: “I know you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, so I can understand why you might have forgotten your commitment”.

5. Acknowledge the valid

Find out what about their reaction is valid given the current situation. If we made a mistake, we can acknowledge the mistake. If something is painful, acknowledge that pain. If their reaction made sense, tell them it made sense. Example: “Yes, that was outside of company policy, and you’re right to point that out”.

6. Show equality

We all want to feel seen as a valid member of a relationship between equals. It doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated as less-than. Often, we treat someone as unequal accidentally when we over-protect others or treat them as fragile. We might also do this when we attempt to one-up someone or counter their story with our own story. We can validate others by simply bringing our whole selves to the interaction and showing a sense of genuine human connection.

Dialectics

Another important part of supporting loved ones with BPD is learning to sit with seemingly conflicting truths. It is a human flaw that we all tend to think in false-dichotomies. For example: “My political party is the right one, and therefore your party is the wrong one”; “either my friends hate me or they love me”; “People are either trying hard and succeeding, or they are lazy and never tried in the first place”; “either I am completely acceptable and do not have to change, or I am completely unacceptable and therefore must change”. This is part of human nature and we all struggle with it. For those with BPD, however, their emotions are often so intense that these all-or-nothing thoughts take over in much more intense ways. Not only is it harder to find a middle path, balanced perspective, but when they are finding themselves on one side of the extreme or the other, there is a high potential for causing pain to themselves or others. This means that a key way of supporting our loved ones with BPD is learning to be comfortable holding opposing ideas together. For example, learning to hold what is valid about our loved one’s reactions while exploring ways that they may be able to more effectively accomplish their goals. Or showing that we can both honor their pain and hold our own boundaries. Lastly, it can mean validating that things are hard for them, and maintaining belief in them that they can get through it.

Next week, we will talk more about learning to notice our own boundaries/limits and holding the balance of supporting our loved ones with BPD without losing touch with our own needs. For this week, I hope you have a chance to practice one of the 6 ways to validate your loved one with BPD. 

If you think you or your loved one could benefit from therapy with someone specialized in working with BPD, give us a call for a free 15 minute consultation: 1-801-687-9509. Or check out our support/skills group for loved ones of individuals with BPD (link below).