The room buzzed with conversation as my family and I sat down for dinner, excited to finally have everyone in the same room. The food smelled amazing as we passed around serving platters, piling our plates with far more than we could realistically finish. Unexpectedly, I was hit with a wave of anger and sadness. Someone had said something that was painful to me, and no matter how hard I tried to put it to the side, it ate at me. I tried to shove it down or ignore it, but for the rest of the night it stuck there. All I could think was this: “Why do I have to deal with this feeling? I am trying to have a good time with my family, and this is all I can think about”. In a sense, what I was asking was “what good are my emotions?”
A popular phrase goes “emotions have to be named to be tamed”. In order to work through our painful emotions, we first have to befriend them and learn to be kinder to the deeply emotional parts of ourselves. Imagine your emotions like a small child; the more you approach them with anger and invalidation, the more they will likely tantrum and be unable to change how they are. But when we seek to understand what they are trying to do for us, we are able to sooth them, work through them, and (where effective) change them.
So the question returns–what good are these emotions anyway? What are they trying to do for us? While the reasons for our emotions are as diverse as the emotions themselves, we can boil a lot of the reasons down to three main functions: (1) to urge us to act in some way, (2) to give us information, and (3) to communicate to others.
Emotions Urge Us to Act in Some Way
Imagine walking around a hiking trail when suddenly you hear a subtle rattling behind you. Imagine how quickly your body would switch into action? How fast would you turn around to find the danger, and move quickly away before anything can happen? Now imagine how quickly (or slowly) that would happen if you did not have the emotion of fear driving you. Human emotions have been shaped not only in our own lifetimes but over generations of our species’ survival. Feelings of fear keep us alive, feelings of anger motivate us to make changes, and feelings of sadness motivate us to seek solace and connection with others.
Consider my example of the family dinner. In this situation, there was a lack of understanding between me and a family member, and my emotion was motivating me to say something to them. There were certainly *ineffective ways I could have responded to those emotions such as yelling at the family member, storming off, or talking behind their back, but the emotion itself triggered me to start thinking about ways to communicate my hurt. When mindfully responded to, emotions help us take actions to live our most meaningful lives.
*What is ineffective according to one person’s circumstances or goals may be effective for another person’s circumstances or goals. These examples of “ineffective” reactions are not meant to be applied for all situations.
Emotions Give Us Information
It is easy to see what information physical sensations give us: if I feel a sharp pain in my stomach for a long time, it becomes quickly apparent that I should probably talk with a doctor to find out if something is causing damage. Similarly, emotions notify us of what is happening in our psychological, social, and emotional experiences. Feelings of excitement at a potential career opportunity may inform us that the opportunity is in line with our goals and values. Feelings of nervousness before an interaction may signal to us that there is something important we want to accomplish. And of course, there is the ever popular phrase of “anger is our body’s way of saying that something is hurting”.
This is not to say emotions alone can tell us everything we need to know (just as physical sensations alone cannot tell us exactly what the problem is), but when balanced with reason, they can do a lot for helping us navigate our internal and external worlds. Without emotions, we would miss critical parts of the overall picture.
Emotions Communicate to Others
Picture a baby and their parent sharing a moment of connection. The baby shows its happiness by smiling, to which their parent smiles back and goes to tickle the baby. After a while, the baby begins to cry, and the parent guesses that this may mean they are hungry. From the time we are infants, we communicate with others through micro-expressions only brought about by emotions. Imagine trying to communicate with a friend how much it hurt that she took something important to you. If you have no emotion, she may not see the significance of her actions and may continue taking your stuff even after you asked her to stop. Similarly, the subtle changes in your face of happiness or relief when she returns your item may encourage her to be more respectful of your property in the future.
Richard Swchwarts coined the phrase “no bad parts” when talking about how pieces of ourselves come from experiences, and are always intending positive outcomes. Here, the phrase I will use is “no bad emotions”. At the end of the day, emotion is not the problem; the problem is the problem. By acknowledging our emotions with compassion and understanding, we can develop strength to successfully move through the emotion to build our life worth living.
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