Click this link to try a beta version of an app that we’re developing called, “Emotion Hacker”
What Are Emotions?
Imagine a personal device with an algorithm that processes hundreds of thousands of environmental and biological inputs in a split second and then immediately orients you toward a specific decision.
Well, you’re in luck, because it already exists. This organic, sophisticated algorithm is the full system response known as your emotion response system. Or more simply, your emotions.
Emotions are more than a feeling—they are a complex system of interactions between mind, body, and environment. This involves things around us, our interpretations, body postures, facial expressions, and many other factors.
We can learn to understand how to work with emotions instead of only reacting or suppressing, we unlock a powerful way to connect with what matters most. Then we are free to pursue our individual purpose with effectiveness and clarity.
3 Main Functions of Emotions:
1. Urge us to act
2. Communicate to and influence others
3. Communicate to ourselves
Two key questions can help us be more effective when working with our emotions.
- Does this emotion fit the facts?
- Will acting on this emotion be effective for me in the short term and long term?
If an emotion doesn’t fit the facts or if the action urges wouldn’t be effective, then we can work with it by:
- noticing it
- paying attention to it
- acknowledging that it’s there
Then we can choose to act in the opposite direction.
Example of Emotion NOT Fitting the Facts:
If I feel fear (anxiety) repeatedly when invited to hang out with potential friends, the fear (anxiety) is likely not fitting the facts. I am NOT actually in danger in this situation, but I’ve learned to experience fear and react as if in danger. This is common for people who experience social anxiety.
Acting opposite of fear (acting confident and calm) by doing the thing I’m afraid of will be difficult, but it will help to eventually reduce the pattern of anxiety that has developed around this situation.
If an emotion does fit the facts or is pointing out a specific problem in our environment, then we can act in line with the emotion. We can problem-solve in order to reduce the emotion.
Example of Emotion Fitting the Facts:
Frustration starts to build into anger as a family member makes jokes about something I value. It gets to me, and I have resentment and bitterness towards this person. I don’t want to have this resentment, and I don’t want our relationship to suffer. In this case, frustration is a normal response to having values belittled.
The emotion is not the problem; the situation is.
In this case, anger and frustration can help us as long as we stay effective and wise. Think of the emotion as sitting in the passenger seat and we’re sitting in the driver’s seat. We can talk to our family member and be candid about how we feel when they say the things they do. Speaking from anger may not be effective, but being honest about our experience while giving them the benefit of the doubt has a good chance of helping the situation.
Emotions want to act as “guides from beyond” to help us in specific situations.
When a situation justifies the emotion, then the emotion is not the problem. So we look at our options to problem-solve the situation.
When the situation does not justify the emotion, then we work to resolve the emotion by acting opposite of the emotion.
Both problem-solving and acting opposite can decrease the unwanted emotions.
Here’s a simplified guide to understand when emotions fit the facts (are justified), including ideas for problem-solving the situation or acting opposite to the emotion urge.
| Emotion | Justifying events | Ideas for problem-solving | Ideas for acting opposite |
| Fear/anxiety | There is a serious threat to life or well-being. | Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Avoid the threat. Do what’s necessary to not let the threatening event occur or to impact you. | Do what you’re afraid of over and over. Act confident, bold, and calm. Slow down your breathing and remind yourself that you are safe. |
| Anger | Important goals or values are being blocked. We or someone we care for is being mistreated. | Stand up for your goals/values. Effectively navigate obstacles. Stand up for your and others’ rights. Speak your mind with strength and assertiveness. | Consider the other point of view. Be kind to others. Relax. Have an easy manner. Slow down your breathing. Gently avoid the situation. |
| Sadness | We have permanently lost something. Life has not turned out the way we had hoped. | Grieve for what is lost. Accept comfort. Reflect. Memorialize. Visit the cemetery, but don’t build a house there. | Activate your behavior. Stand up straight, make a to-do list, listen to cheery music, move your body. Remember times that have been better, and do what you did during those times. |
| Guilt | We have done something that is against our values and beliefs. | Acknowledge fully any behavior that was against your values. Apologize and repair any damage done. Make efforts not to repeat the same behavior. | Act innocent. Keep doing the thing that makes you feel guilty until you don’t feel guilt. Stand up straight. |
| Shame | If something about our character or identity is known to the others, we will be kicked out of a group that is very important to our well-being. | Don’t share information about yourself with people who will not understand. Work on changing character traits if it’s not core to who you are or if it doesn’t align with your values. | Act proud. Don’t hide who you are. Be open about the parts of you that you feel ashamed about. Stand tall and make eye contact with others. Act like you belong as you are. |
| Disgust | We are at risk of being touched by or contaminated by human/animal waste, rotten or poisonous food, or a harmfully contagious person or idea. | Spit out the disgusting substance. Avoid the contagious person or idea. Quickly get distance between you and the source of contagion. | Go toward the substance, person, or idea. Act drawn toward or attracted to it/them. Try to notice aspects of the person, substance, or idea that are appealing. |
| Jealousy | We are at risk of someone else taking something or someone that we love away from us. | Effectively work to not lose the thing or relationship that you are at risk of losing. | Do not act possessive or suspicious. Do not snoop or seek assurance. Act confident about what you have. Act trusting toward people you feel jealous toward. |
| Envy | Someone else has the kind of life that we want. | Work effectively to get what others have and to improve your life. See them as role models and examples. | Don’t overestimate others’ good fortune. Don’t underestimate your good fortune. Think of the things you have going for you. Be happy for others. Practice “sympathetic joy.” |
| Love | Thinking about and being with a specific person, animal, or object will enhance our life and connect us with what we value. | Connect with and serve the person, animal, or object that you feel love toward. Work effectively to strengthen your connection. Learn to speak the other’s love language. | Act apathetic or uninterested toward the target of love. Do not contact, think about, or fuel the feelings. Practice engaging with other people, animals, activities, etc. that you could grow to love. |
Emotions enrich our lives. When we ignore them or don’t treat them as the “guides from beyond” they are meant to be, they will either get bigger and harder to deal with, or they will stop communicating with us. It takes courage to open the door to even our most unwelcome emotions, but when we learn to do it with wisdom, all aspects of our lives improve.
Here’s one way to practice working with emotions: It’s a beta version of an app that we’re developing called, “Emotion Hacker.”
